You're telling me it's this calm every day?!
You’re telling me it’s this calm every day?!

Last night, I was looking on Meetup for a former New Yorkers group in Seattle. I feel like we all need a guide to help us adjust to life outside the Big Apple. We need someone to:

  • Grab our wrists when we start walking out into the street.

  • Remind us that “Manha’an” actually has two Ts in it and most people pronounce them.

  • Show us how to shop in a supermarket. Cart? Conveyor belt? The bread aisle is bigger than the whole market I shopped at in Manha’an! I don’t want to do this anymore!

  • Take us shopping for something other than black leather pants and heels.

  • Whisper in our ears to knock it off when we start strutting down the sidewalk like it’s our personal runway.

  • Use a timer in the kitchen since our home now has more than one room, so we can’t just see that the water is boiling.

  • Teach us how to invest all that money we used to pay in rent.

  • Remind us that to go somewhere, we have to drive our asses there. Above ground even.

  • You also have to open the car door.

  • That means stop drinking an hour or two before you need to go.

  • Tell us what can be composted.

  • Explain dinner to us again. So, I can’t order delivery from any restaurant in the city? What do I do then?!
  • Remind us that in polite society, we don’t shout at cab drivers.
  • Explain to us that the bed doesn’t go in the living room. See? There’s another room behind this door. That’s the bedroom.
  • Wait, did you say I can get an apartment without a $2,000 broker? I don’t have to write an essay and submit my college transcript? No way!
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