Sh*t my roommate said

Now that my deposit has been returned and the check cleared, I’ll tell you why I moved out of 21E. Warning: Crass, racist language ahead.

No paycheck, thanks

“My client is ready to buy, but now he wants to look in fucking Brooklyn. I would make $30-40 grand in commission, but I don’t ride trains. This probably makes me an idiot.”

You’re gross

“Brooklyn is fucking dirty and gross … Candace, you’d probably like it there.”

But not as gross as laundromats

“So, you would wait at the laundromat while your clothes washed? That sounds so depressing. How do you even get your clothes there?”

Racism Part 1

“It’s not Murray Hill, it’s ‘Curry Hill.’ It’s all fucking Indians.”

Speaking of weather

“Nothing happens in Washington, right? It just rains a lot.”

Me: “There was a big earthquake. There are volcanoes there.”

Her: “There are volcanoes in Washington!?”

I don’t know, is your tracking device on?

“I should have gotten an absentee ballot in the mail, right?”

Me: I don’t know. Did you request one?

Her: “Well, I don’t live in California anymore, so how can I vote there?”

Me: Does California know that?

Birds and the bees

“You didn’t have the movers pack your boxes? You know cockroaches breed in boxes, right?”

Me, me, me and more about me

On the phone ordering food.

“I see you don’t deliver below 72nd Street, but I’m on 63rd. What can we do about this?”

She gets this OK’d and is put on hold to place her order. She hangs up immediately and calls back.

“I’ve been holding for five minutes. Can we make it less than that?”

“I’m really excited about Israeli food! Are you excited I’m excited?”

“I want hummus but no tahini in the hummus.”

“It’s cash only? I know I should have paid those nail bitches … ugh, I’ll go to CVS.”

Hangs up and spends the next 15 minutes complaining that she doesn’t want to go to CVS.

She’s racist against towels, too

“What is this blue shit on the counter? Candace, you know we have other black kitchen towels right here. We don’t need this one. I mean, I don’t care, you can use your blue one, but we have black ones right here.”

You don’t run much, do you?

She’s getting ready for a run in the park and comes out in a full-length down coat over running clothes.

Her: “Does this look warm enough?”

Me: For running? You might be too warm in that.

Her: (in a whiney voice) “What am I going to wear then?”

Racism Part 2

After making two racist comments.

“Racism is a problem in Israel. It really bothered me.”

Have some compassion

Her friend whose home was destroyed in the storm is coming to stay with us.

“I told him he has to clean up for us before he gets here. He’s been wearing the same clothes.”

When he arrives, she yells at him.

“Get in the shower, you dirty refugee!”

No, you’re gross!

“I should probably do laundry, but I can’t carry this. I’ll just send it out”

She pulls her sheets out of the basket, sprays them with Lysol and puts them back on her bed.

Do you listen?

I get home around 9 p.m. after being out all day.

“Candace, are you working right now?

Me: “No, I just got home.”

She starts getting ready to go out.

“Candace, are you working?”

Me: “No.”

She dries her hair, bounces from her room to the bathroom, slamming the door each time she leaves her bedroom.

“Sorry, I’m probably annoying you. I know you’re working. I’ll be gone in 5.”

20 minutes and several door slams later.

“Are you working tonight?”

Me: “Yes!”

So, you wouldn’t understand

“I didn’t live the ‘Seattle lifestyle,’ I dated important people like athletes and rappers.”

Make Suze Orman cry, why don’t you?

“I had to borrow $50 to buy groceries.”

A couple minutes later

“I had to call around to find a liquor store that delivers. This one had a $50 minimum.” As she takes a big sip of wine.

Hello, kettle? you’re black

After I gave notice I’m moving out

“Candace, you make me really uncomfortable. You never should have moved in.”

Published by Candace

I’m a journalist, nutritionist, doting auntie, one-time bobsledder, and wannabe health nut (who loves chocolate and pizza too much to fully commit). I don't want you to think my life is perfect. It's not.

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