Once you get some distance from a relationship, it’s easier to see where things went wrong. If you’re honest with yourself, you recognize what YOU did wrong. Yes, you, Miss Always Right. I think that self-recognition is key before you can go on to have a healthy relationship. As my therapist liked to say, until you recognize your pattern, you’re destined to just keep repeating it. Every relationship you have will end the same way.
One of the things I wanted to change from my last go-round was to stop being so open and giving. Been there, played that role, got not a whole lot in return. I’ve decided to hold my cards a little closer to my chest. To not just give that away.
“The Guy From Jersey,” however is just the opposite. He learned to lay it all out on the table. This is me, take it or leave it.
But it didn’t take me long to re-evaluate my position. I found myself opening up, stating my needs and being vulnerable. Once I did it, it wasn’t so hard anymore. When I told Chad of my dream to go bobsledding, he drove me to Lake Placid, so I could do just that. When I told him I wanted to learn a second language, he started teaching me Spanish. When I told him of my dream of having laundry in my apartment, he talked about dream homes with me.
The two of us go to the same boot camp (watch the video and see if you can spot me). The class consists of about 55 minutes of running, jumping, punching and squatting. It always ends with 30 seconds of hard bicycles. During this time, you just hear everyone in class breathing heavy, giving it every ounce of energy that remains as the instructor shouts encouragement, “Don’t you dare stop now! Last 20 seconds!” One day, Brian counted down 3, 2, 1, then played this song as we all lay on our mats feeling our hearts race and catching our breath. I rolled over to look at Chad and gave him a high five.
Once again, Beyonce sums up my feelings for me. I didn’t think I wanted to let someone in, but once I did, “it didn’t even feel like falling.”
You all know I don’t like the word “lucky,” So I’m “blessed” or “worked damn hard” to have found someone who makes the insecurities and past hurts disappear.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Chad! T’amo!