OK so a while back I told you that I had a phone session with my therapist. One of the things I asked her is why I keep breaking up with the perfectly good gentlemen I keep meeting.
“Maybe you don’t want to be in a relationship right now, Candace. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just because you don’t want it right now doesn’t mean you will never want it again.”
She went on to remind me of how I started the call by telling her all the cool things I’ve been doing. “You were in a relationship for a long, time. You’re getting Candace time for the first time in your adult life. Why not enjoy that?”
She was right, but I hung up wondering what I really want. Do I want this journalism career I built for myself? Meh, journalism isn’t the dreamy change-the-world endeavor I thought it was when I was editing my college newspaper and reading about Watergate. The only way to make a decent living is to hand out “click candy.” I don’t feel great about that.
What about Seattle? I said I’d go back there in May, but I’m not sure I really want to anymore. I’ve come to like blue skies, sunshine and Seamless ordering.
I sit here in my six-month sublet, unable to click a button to register for spring semester classes, because I’m not sure this is what I even want to do. Plus, what if I get that awesome job in London, but I’m stuck at NYU until June?
My roommate isn’t my favorite person in the world, but I don’t want to think about committing to a full-lease and purchasing a sofa of my own. I bought a colander last week. Isn’t that commitment enough? Stop pressuring me!
I just wrote a 90-day plan for a class assignment: Setting a goal and working backward with the steps to accomplish it. It got me wondering what I want to accomplish personally in the next 90 days.
- I want to go to Hawaii and spend a week playing with friends. I want to have a rocking body when I go to Hawaii and my trainer has worked me hard. So I’m good with committing to more sessions with her and doing some time at Circuit and the gym downstairs
- I’d like to move to Brooklyn, so I need to start looking for a place and determining what kind of term I’d be comfortable with. I also need to find a roommate who isn’t a nutcase. A jackpot find would be a sublet on a furnished studio until summer sometime.
- I want to volunteer. I found a New York healthy eating group I’m interested in. This could be a good career growth opportunity for me as well. Step 1: Make a phone call!
- Make new friends in New York, but I’ve already started on this one.
I’m actually feeling better after getting this down on paper. Maybe I should just register for those classes now. What do you think?