Tonight I found myself across the table from this guy who just looked sad irritated. I’m sure I reflected his mood. Shortly after, we were on the subway platform arguing. When we got on the train, I could see him hurting. I considered back-tracking, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t go against my feelings just to see him less disappointed. That would be a lie and he doesn’t deserve that either.

I got off the train two stops before he did and fought back tears as I texted two friends, hoping one was still up. Talking to her made me feel better, but now I lay in bed, feeling sad and anxious.

Have I made a huge mess of my life? Was coming to New York a bad idea? I suddenly feel like my whole life is up in the air, just waiting for a piece – any piece – to fall into place. My job is uncertain. My home is temporary. My city feels unfamiliar. I have three friends here. My finances are at a standstill. My relationship just went to non-existent. My happiness feels like it plummeted today.

Would things be better off if I had stayed in Seattle? Or if I had moved to New York five years ago? Or if I had gone to the University of Minnesota?

I know I can’t live in the past. But right now, I don’t know where my future is taking me.

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