I feel like I’ve been living in limbo for a long time. For a year, I was in what felt like (and ultimately was) a temporary stop. I did my best to make my apartment my home. I bought some furniture I loved. I filled my kitchen and decorated the bathroom, but I was afraid to hang artwork because I knew I’d move and have to patch the holes again.
Then I decided to move to New York and I got rid of all that stuff I bought to establish myself in Seattle. The cute pillows I sewed went to Goodwill. The furniture was sold or offered to friends. The dishes got boxed up and shoved in my friends’ basement. My grown-up life, gone, dismantled. I moved into a sublet on the West Side, where I literally slept in someone else’s bed.
Then I moved into a different room in the same apartment. This one contains my own bed and dresser. And some stuff former roommates have left behind. I’d buy a couple things to make it feel like my own, but frankly, there’s no space. I look at a Shakespeare quote painted on the wall. Now, who doesn’t like Shakespeare, but this quote is not one of my choosing. A quote on the wall isn’t even my choosing.
So I need to move. For my own sanity. I need a place that feels like mine, where I can bring my soup pot and don’t have to share a bathroom with two messy boys. I just need to figure out where that is. Manhattan is so expensive it bums me out. A studio here isn’t an option. Maybe I could find a roommate I’m more invested in and want to hang out with.
Maybe I could move to Brooklyn and get a studio there. Only problem is the long gap in time from when I get off work (3:30) until my classes start (6:30). What do you do in an expensive city for three hours when you just want to go home and take a nap before going to three hours of class because you were up before 6 a.m.?
Or I could call my New York experience complete and move on. Back to Seattle? Maybe try Chicago? I briefly toyed with the back to Minneapolis idea, but I think I’m over that.
And, of course, other factors play into the decision. Where will I find a job? I want to go to school. I could apply at UW or Columbia. I’m not sure what the choices are in Chicago. But I know that right now my heart is telling me I don’t want to go to Columbia and sign up for another year and a half (or more) in New York.
This weekend my friend was talking about parenting decisions, when she said, “at some point you have to pick your pony and ride it.” No more waffling or trying to keep all options open. Her words spoke to me. I need to pick a team and go with it.