Here’s my latest: I’m talking to my boss about doing a contract in New York. If it works out, I would be committing to a year. My plan is then to come back to Seattle. I have a few reasons for wanting to do this: 1. I didn’t study abroad in college. I wish I had. I’d like to do some time elsewhere. If I don’t do it now, I’ll just be another year older when I do. 2. I think some distance from my life might give me some clarity. I want to go back to school, but can’t seem to decide if I want to study nutrition, political communication or law. Those are vastly different things. 3. I continue to struggle to put my own needs first. I help everyone else out, but maybe it’s finally time to focus on me.
But, at the end of each day, I don’t dream about going to law school or trying a yoga class or living in New York. What I want is someone to share my life with. If I go to NY for a year with the intention of coming back, am I just delaying finding what I really want? Or am I giving myself the clarity to figure that out? I don’t really expect you to have an answer to that.
I had two failed relationships this summer. The one I put my own desires on hold for, believing he was worth it, and would be the one I spent my whole life with. And the never-official one with a guy who was so easy and made me so happy.
Maybe I’m finally accepting the magnitude of what’s happened.